Top 10: Should-be April Fool's jokes
By JESSICA ABU-GHATTAS
Published: Thursday, April 1, 2010
Updated: Thursday, April 1, 2010
No offense to April Fool’s Day, but sometimes reality is funnier than practical jokes. If you’re anything like me, you’re constantly clicking around the Web. The following is a compilation of what I consider the biggest jokes of the week. As it turns out, we’re April’s fools.
1. If Heidi Montag’s boobs got any bigger, they’d be illegal. No really— she appeared on Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show” on March 19 and said “I would get [my breasts] bigger, but I legally can’t right now. There’s a limit— 800cc— and I have 700.”
2. So March 26 … this guy got sooo drunk… he tried to resuscitate roadkill. No, really. KTLA reported that a drunk man in his 50s was arrested after being found desperately attempting to revive a long-dead opossum. Careful kids, this could be you someday.
3. Bacon is fat-man crack. A new study in rats suggests that high-fat, high-calorie foods such as bacon and cheesecake affect the brain in much the same way as cocaine and heroin, according to a Health.com article published March 29. The greater the quantity consumed in one sitting, the more addictive the food will be. So when someone literally feels addicted to their guilty pleasure, they’re right. I know, I’m not surprised either.
4. Have you heard of the new theme park that just opened? The Little People’s Kingdom of Dwarves? Measuring in at a not-quite-5-foot-3-inches, I’ll proceed with caution. The park, located near Kumning, China, employs 108 dwarves who wear funny outfits and performs skits and dances. Needless to say, this has some disabled workers rights groups frazzled.
5. Ricky Martin came out of the closet. I know, this just broke a few hearts. Though, the lot of us can’t really say we’re surprised. Why come out as a “fortunate gay man” this time of year though? Well, it might just be a marketing decision— he has a book coming out. I like to think he was getting into the spirit of the season.
6. Health care reform. Depending on which way you swing, the United States either became a socialist state, or passed the most influential legislation of the decade (maybe longer), practically overnight. Realistically, the joke is on us. As it turns out, Facebook is an excellent outlet for radical political beliefs. Apparently, everyone is super political. It’s totally trendy to have a heated opinion about a hot button, then recede to apathy for the rest of the year. Cool.
7. Spring Fling. While other colleges have concerts or parties, Pepperdine has a Disney-themed campout, complete with karaoke and cookie-decorating. Be sure to participate in the costume contest! It’s officially easier than ever to forget that we’re adults on a college campus.
8. The No. 2 Men’s volleyball team swept No. 5, Hawaii, on March 26 in the Fieldhouse. The next day, Hawaii returned to defeat the Waves. Really? You’ve gotta be kidding.
9. The boldest formal invitation. This goes out to everyone present at the International Justice Mission-hosted Invisible Children Convocation on Monday, March 29 in Elkins: Was that not the most epic interruption ever? For those of you who didn’t make it in, a student in the audience asked the Invisible Children roadie if he is available to attend her sorority formal during a Q&A session after a highly emotional presentation. Needless to say, the auditorium exploded in laughter. She’s kidding, right?
10. Let’s end this “Top 10” on an odd note, yeah? English 66-year-old Joan Higgins has been sentenced to wearing an electronic tag, a curfew, community service and a fine of £1,000. Her crime? Selling a goldfish to a 14-year-old boy.
